Cult Says That Transcending Mortality Is As Easy As Eating McDonald’s Everyday And Breathing
Kyla Bills -NYU Local March 4, 2014
Recently Ukrainian model, “Human Barbie,” and self proclaimed time traveling alien Valeria Lukyanova claimed to be a follower of Breatharianism. In short, she thinks she can live without food and water by subsisting solely off the “cosmic micro-food” found in light and air. Unfortunately for Lukyanova, and other devotees, pure Breatharianism has proven to be pretty deadly. However, according to the Breatharian Institute of America, the path to transcending your physical being and ascending to Fifth Dimensional Earth might be as easy as pounding a McChicken.
Wiley Brooks is the founder of the Breatharian Institute of America. In the early 80’s he was put in the media spotlight through a series of TV show appearances in which he claimed to have not had food for 17 years. His claim to have not eaten was proven untrue pretty quickly and he even admits to eating now, but in the last 30 years he’s expanded Breatharianism into a hilariously insane philosophy and a horribly confusing website.
Brooks claims that human beings aren’t supposed to live in a third dimensional reality, we’re actually fifth dimensional beings who are vacationing on this Earth; now we’re drowning in our third dimensional world which is why we feel as though we need to eat third dimensional food. According to him a perfect human body doesn’t need to eat, it’s possible to get all nutrients necessary for survival from the air. Then, by cutting out anything that’s third dimensional, everything from water to cell phones, we’ll be able to ascend to a higher plane of being until eventually we become fifth dimensional.
Just like any self respecting cult leader, Brooks also believes the apocalypse is near. Actually, it sort of already happened. On December 21, 2012 the apocalypse started but I guess the “Evil Ones” didn’t want to kill everyone at once so they’re killing people really slowly. The apocalypse will end “sometime in 2015,” the exact date is still unknown. To ensure you’ll ascend to Fifth Dimensional Earth at the end of the apocalypse you just have to take Brooks’ Immortality Workshop for the extremely fair price of a million dollars. Pocket change really.
Luckily for devotees to Breatharianism Brooks got caught eating McDonalds, so he just incorporated that into his philosophy too. All McDonalds locations are apparently built on properties protected by fifth dimensional energies and spiritual portals. This is why Breatharians feel happier and at peace in McDonalds, while I usually just feel guilty and unhealthy. He recommends that his followers drink as much Diet Coke and eat as many double quarter pounders with cheese from McDonalds as possible before they meditate, because Diet Coke is liquid light and cows are magical fifth dimensional converters who turn third dimensional food into fifth dimensional food. This is not fan fiction.
Ascending to the fifth dimension is apparently as simple as eating a lot of McDonalds and meditating afterwards — which sounds like the philosophy of your average stoner college student. Apparently after doing so you’ll feel “magic” when you go on his website, which is realistically a headache from the amount of empty calories you’ve consumed.
Unfortunately, Wiley Brooks is not a harmless stoner with a hankering for McDonalds but instead a cult leader that tells people to either starve themselves or only eat fast food. Brooks just proves that people are terrifying, the apocalypse is actually probably nigh and no matter how crazy something is, if you put it on the internet someone will believe you.